Has it really been seven seasons, excuse me “cycles,” that we’ve dealt with the reign of Tyra o’er all potential supermodels on America’s Next Top Model? Tyra initially begged off claims of supporting superficial endeavors, eating disorders, and Janice Dickinson’s bank account by saying that this show was going to be different by presenting just how difficult the modeling industry can be for young girls and she was gonna play Mama to all of the pretty little birds. Spread your wings, y’all! Well, last night’s premiere of the eighth (seriously!?!?) cycle only proved that this show is more about nursing Ms. Tyra’s ego than an offering of stepping-stone-to-industry that we’ve been duped into believing. Er, maybe not believing, rather hoping with every new cycle…

The boot camp theme served merely as a stage for Tyra’s stomping (a la Stomp the Yard) skills or lack thereof. Her barking out a battle cry of “A-N-T-EMMMM-AHHH” was accidentally hilarious and the girls were eager, as usual, to prove to Tyra and her two Jays that they had what it takes to be America’s Next Top Model. My roommate turned to me at this point to ask, “Why is it that we watch this show, anymore? It isn’t even fun to make fun of her dumb ass.” Too true, roomie, too true. Only, I think this cycle will be the best one, yet. At the very least, the two Jays will rise up against the Tyra Monster and take her vagina arms down once and for all!!

The first hour of the typical two-hour season premiere was never required viewing in order to enjoy the rest of the season and this cycle’s hour one didn’t stray from that pattern. It’s pointless to get all up in arms over the girls that Tyra both cattily backbites and then casts to the side. My usual “Why would she get rid of HER? She’s absolutely gorgeous and should be working now!” refrain notwithstanding (c’mon, Tyra, you got rid of Tattoo Girl?) some contestants stand out:

1) Possible Tranny / Janice Dickinson Look-alike – Jaslene. Word on the street has it that she has an ego bigger than Tyra and an even bigger chip on her shoulder, according to a former high school classmate. Awesome. The bitches always make it better.

2) Fake Big Ego Masks Fragile Little Flower – Sarah. Wonderful mod look, sort of snobby, but I’m already sort of in love. Let’s hope the bitches don’t eat her for breakfast. Oops, I mean push her in front of the house “ride,” a pink stretch Humvee.

3) Southern Aw, Shucks / Jaclyn Bouvier Kennedy Onassis Reincarnated – Samantha. Strong face, gorgeous eyes, lean as a rail.

4) Mail Order Bride From Russia – 18 year-old Natasha, proudly proclaiming her marriage to a 40-year old man who “takes care of her” also showed true blue bitch colors. Hurray!!

5) Poster Child for This Is Your Brain On Drugs – Jael. I thought it was bad when they had to subtitle nearly everything her mush-mouth uttered a la Season 1 Winner Adrianne Curry, but then when she hula-hooped her way out of a fever? The one to beat despite her annoying low self-esteem. My resident gay best friend kept saying, “WE LIKE HER! WE MUST LIKE HER!” Exactly, Robert that is the vibe she gave us and you fell right into her trap. She just wants to be loooooooooved! Let’s hope they do something with her meth addict hair style in the makeover episode, though…

6) Resident Tyra Banks’ Clone – Felicia. Lovely skin, toned and tall, subtly stunning.

7&8) Plus-Sized “We Don’t Stand a Chance” Girls – Diana & Whitney. Although they’re both incredibly pretty, I can already see the standard speech from Tyra, “When we first picked you, you had such a strong spirit; where has that spark gone?” In other words, once the fatties lose their jolly nature, they’re dead to Ms. Five-head.

Let’s just skip to the second hour, shall we?

A stretch Humvee arrived to take the girls to their usual palace with the theme of ANTM History featuring rooms exhibiting past season winners (Hmmm, Tyra still holds some bitter, salty, vinegar-laced feelings about Adrianne Curry seeing as there’s no room with her face in it. Et tu, Adrianne?) Cue screaming, cue crying, cue posing fiercely in various states of undress. As an aside, I’ll point out that this house is definitely a cut above many of the others. The pool itself was something out of my dearly departed O.C. Newport neighborhood.

Moving ahead to the photo shoot directed by one Jay “Oompa Loompa” Manuel and featuring the talent of one ANTM judge Nigel Barker. Not nearly as clever as it wanted to be ( I am not touching any of the moralistic implications from it with a ten-foot pole), but still capturing a few stunning images, the one true highlight was dim bulb contestant, Kathleen, repeating to herself in her “straight out of central- casting” Brooklyn accent, “I hate fur!” Say it again, Kathleen. Her picture, unfortunately, was too too dead in the eyes and had none of the personality she exhibited in person. Do you think if we ran ice cubes over her nipples or blasted Public Enemy’s “Fight the Power,” she’d bust out a few running-man moves for us?

The challenge had to do with finding an outfit at the local Goodwill store in three minutes and serving it up on the runway. Supposed expert, Sarah, fell very flat, but Jaslene served it up as she promised, with Jael just slightly behind. Still, total dullsville challenge with only tiny hints of the bitch fits to come. More passive aggressive digs from soon-to-be Resident Jealous Bitch Renee to her new BFF in the house, Jael, which took us to the Judging Panel.

Yay, Twiggy! A quick cut to her first Seventeen cover reminded me of just how adorable she was; if only she hadn’t turned into British Soccer (Football?) Mommy…Kathleen showed off some more truly tragic dim-bulb words-of-wisdom including – “It’s okay to wear coats out of them when they’re already dead of like natural causes from like fights in the jungle” which led to her tragic demise. From the photos provided these are the girls-to-beat: Jaslene, Felicia, Diana, Sarah, and Jael. I cannot wait to see Tranny Janice lose her marbles on the next episode. Jesus Gay, Tyra, you’ve roped me in yet again. Looks like I WILL be kissing your fat ass every damn week!!

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